Hubbin’ Out With Kids Bloggers Share Their Surrogacy Story
Alec and Paul are fathers to twins Simon and Philip. Through Instagram (@hubbin_out_with_kids), they share their story about becoming fathers through surrogacy and provide information for others interested in LGBTQ+ surrogacy. They have also shared their story on Fertility Tribe.
We had the privilege to chat with Alec about parenting multiples, having an online presence, and supporting other gay parents on their path to parenthood.
What motivated you to share your story online?
When we started our journey, there was very little information on IG that I needed. I was following a couple of Instagrammers but I didn’t actually get a play-by-play of a surrogacy journey. I couldn’t find that anywhere. We heard a lot of “every journey is different” which of course is true, but I wanted someone to lay it out exactly how it went for them.
So that was the inspiration. The devil is in the details and I couldn’t find them in documented form. I found financial estimates very confusing. I would hear surrogacy quotes that didn’t include the fertility piece and you have to think of them as two different pieces. For example, if an agency is not directly working with the clinic, they can’t talk about the costs on the fertility clinic side.
I would have loved the idea of having 2 or 3 examples with different scenarios, even if ours was different.
Many of your posts have a lot of follow-up questions from. Do you also receive direct messages asking for information?
Yes, I get a lot of questions! At first, I thought all questions would come from gay intended parents, but I talk to both straight and gay people. With straight couples, it is pretty much about the overall process. I hear from many straight women that one of their biggest concerns is their future relationship with a potential surrogate. They ask for advice on how move past the emotional barriers of having someone else carry your children. As two guys, we never had any thoughts of carrying a baby ourselves, so it’s interesting to hear from another perspective and share our experience.
Many questions revolve around money when people message. From gay couples especially, it’s usually questions about having twins, and the questions are usually money related.
Tell us more about your projected expenses in planning for twins.
It was our goal to have twins. We each wanted a biological child and we didn’t think we could ever do [surrogacy] again. I think this is the case with many gay couples; many are motivated to have twins.
We chose our fertility clinic in part because we found many that were not transferring two embryos. Some agencies won’t either, even if they found a surrogate that was willing to carry twins.
The subject of transferring two embryos is contentious in some circles. We have found some outright shaming in social media. We understood it was more risky, that it could have complications. We knew it was a risk, but we may not be able to complete a second surrogacy journey. We would have loved to have them apart, but another journey may not have been a reality for us.
How is your relationship with your surrogate?
We had the best surrogate we could have imagined. We’ve seen a whole spectrum of these relationships [between IPs and surrogates]. Ours is closer than many. We’re never going to not contact her.
It is difficult for me to manage comments that imply that surrogates are a commodity. Phrases like “she’s just the oven.” Although she’s being compensated, let’s be clear: she’s the carrier of my children. She took care of herself, always keeping us aware and even discussing her life choices during the pregnancy. We have so much more a of relationship because she recognized her role in building our family.
Have you ever had inappropriate/offensive comments on Instagram?
Yes. People comment and send direct messages attacking us for having twins, but mostly just for being gay. I just delete those comments.
I’ve seen too many blogs where that becomes political, contentious. There are plenty of bad things that may happen in the lives of gay parents; but that is not the intent of this blog and this story. I try my best (and especially during a pandemic!) to share the positive. Lots of cute baby photos. I get replies saying “thank you for posting, this makes my week.”
This is a success story, happy and fun. Here’s the good stuff.
How has your online role changed since completing your journey?
I’ve been thinking a lot about what we want to do next. I am passionate about parenting and the nuances of having two kids. But maybe I’ll do that in a separate blog.
I want Hubbin’ Out With Kids to continue to promote surrogacy. I’ve been reposting memories because I know there are new readers wanting information we’ve already covered. I know not everyone is going to scroll through all of our posts. This is a resource that will always be here. I also want to cover new topics on surrogacy. I’ll take ideas!
This is a success story, happy and fun. Here’s the good stuff.
-Alec, Hubbin’ Out With Kids