Should Intended Parents Ask their Surrogate to Make Lifestyle Changes?
You want the best for your baby. And you want to the best in your relationship with your surrogate. What do you do when you want your surrogate to change her lifestyle?
Surrogacy Matching Criteria
When you first meet with our team, we will discuss the goals you’ve shared on your application. Amongst other things, we will need to know your requirements and preferences for your match. If you hadn’t already, this is the time to decide on what factors are most important to you.
We consider requirements those details that must be present for a match to be right for you. Preferences are those things that would be ideal, but would not necessarily disqualify a match if not met. If you’re able to match with that person otherwise, what would you be willing to let go of?
You will especially want to discuss your requirements with us so that we can match you appropriately. To be fair and transparent to you, we will let you know if a specific request may be difficult to find. It may be the case that matching may take longer, or that you may need to find a way to be flexible in regard to your request.
Your intended parent profile, presented to surrogates at matching, will outline your goals for the journey and should include these requests. If a potential surrogate does not already meet those requests, but we feel she may be open to the change, she will have the opportunity to consider the request when she sees your profile. She will also have the opportunity to follow up with us for more information and/or talk to you more about it during the match call.
Reasonable Requests
What is generally considered a healthy lifestyle for pregnancy is typically already covered in the gestational carrier agreement. Avoiding drug/alcohol and adhering to medical advice will certainly be included. Limits to travel after a certain amount of time in pregnancy will be specified because of the legal arrangement and what’s necessary for establishing parentage. Some attorneys include details such as use of hair dye and other chemicals, but not all.
At times, we have seen some smaller requests agreed to by surrogates. Examples include consuming organic produce, avoiding hard-impact exercise, and trying prenatal yoga. Sometimes, agreement to a request comes with a financial commitment to cover the additional cost to the surrogate.
Comfort and Trust in Your Surrogacy Journey
Requesting a lifestyle change during your surrogacy journey can provide a false sense of control in the pregnancy and may also strain your relationship with your surrogate. In some aspects, you will have the opportunity to outline the logistics of your journey. Realistically, there is also much to surrender to your surrogate and the process. You will need to rely on the trust you place in your surrogate. You will be in contact with her, your providers, and your agency, but your control over the pregnancy will be limited.
I’d like full trust that I am doing the best I can for them.
Surrogate Becca
Requests Made After Matching
If after matching, you decide you would like a major change from your surrogate, you should discuss this with our agency right away. Because she has already decided to work with you, going back to ask for a lifestyle change may be frustrating. While we can help mitigate the conversation, she may feel disappointed at discovering the journey will be different than what she was expecting.
Additionally, a surrogate may become stressed by changes that may require a lot of monitoring or may negatively impact her family/work life. Think about what is preferable for you—the change you’re requesting, or limiting stress on the pregnancy?
Questions to ask yourself:
- How difficult is it for her to implement the new lifestyle?
- How long will it need to take place?
- What kind of financial support will you need to provide?
- Will it cause her additional stress if she has difficulty implementing it? If so, what could you do to support her?
- Is this a make-or-break request? What flexibility can you bring into the situation?
Requests During Pregnancy
If it has not been discussed during matching and is not in your contract, we do not recommend asking your pregnant surrogate to make major lifestyle changes, unless it is a major health or safety concern. Doing so will likely cause hard feelings and may negatively impact your relationship. If she feels you are being unreasonable or that her life is being micro-managed, it may make communication difficult for the rest of the pregnancy.
Think about the message she may receive in hearing your request.
Agency Support
Whether you are considering a specific request of your surrogate before a match, or if you’re thinking of a change during the pregnancy, we will be here to support you. We can guide you in regard to what is typical of our surrogates and in surrogacy journeys in general. We want you, and your surrogate, to have the best possible experience.
