A Story from a Stork: Why I Became a Surrogate

Fast forward to my maternity leave. As I settled down to snuggle and feed my precious newborn, a documentary on surrogacy happened to come on the television. This was my introduction to the world of infertility. No one in my family or social circle had ever struggled to have children, and society tends to shy away from talking about infertility. So I never realized that there were couples out there in the world who couldn’t “just have a baby”.

I sat somberly as I listened (full of postpartum hormones!) to stories of couples struggling to conceive. I heard stories from women who found out that they would never be able to carry a child. I held my son tight and cried uncontrollably.

I started to process the fact that there were people out there who couldn’t have babies. That seemed like something I should have known already, but I didn’t! The sobbing continued. I realized there were hundreds and thousands of potential parents who might never know what it is like to see themselves in a tiny little person. My new mama heart was broken for so many people that I didn’t even know.

Then, they introduced the concept of surrogacy. Suddenly, I was intrigued! The science behind infertility treatments and surrogacy blew my mind. Listening to the sweet stories of intended parents and their surrogates made my heart so incredibly happy. Was this a real thing?! Could I help make someone else a mother, just as I had become? Was it really possible to do that?

I knew absolutely nothing about surrogacy at the time, but I knew in that very moment that I was going to help make someone else a mother. I didn’t know where to start, what the process might entail, or any of the requirements… but this was GOING to happen.

But, why? I am often asked why I wanted to be a surrogate. The concept seems so odd or foreign to many. Meanwhile, others think I am an angel sent from above. Nevertheless, it is always an interesting conversation to have. Each surrogate has her reasons; for me it comes down to these three.

When Two Become One

My very first memory after delivering my son Easton is sitting with my husband in the hospital bed and looking at the little person that we created. If I’d had a baby with any other male on the planet, this person wouldn’t have existed. This was a person that only my husband and I could create. It was a moment when we literally became one, and there is such an impactful connection in that reality.

We sat for long periods of time in those first hours (and subsequent days) picking out each other’s traits while at the same time looking at some of our own physical characteristics staring right back at us. “He has your lips!” “He has my toes!” “I’m so glad he got your dimples!”

This experience has always stood out to me as the first and foremost reason that I sought out surrogacy. I wanted to give a couple, for whom it seemed impossible, the opportunity to experience this same exact moment. I wanted to give them something that only the two of them could create…but with a little help. I wanted to give them the opportunity to share that same moment of connection as a couple that my husband and I had as new parents.

And in reality, we still share moments like that today when looking at our two children. I couldn’t wait for the surreal moment when my intended parents would look at their baby in awe and identify which parts belonged to them or their partner; when their two became one.

Unconditional Love and Never-ending Chaos

Have you ever heard the phrase, “There ain’t no hood like motherhood!”? It is so true in so many ways.

Nothing on this planet brings me the same simultaneous joy and grief as being a mother. My kids are my greatest source of happiness and also the reason I pull my hair out. But mostly, they bring me insurmountable amounts of joy, love, and laughter.

While there are certainly days when parenthood is not a walk in the park, it is also one of my greatest accomplishments and a source of unconditional love. I knew that being a surrogate would allow me to share that with another couple. In my lifetime I have been loved by my parents, partner, siblings, and friends, but nothing has come close to the unique and unconditional love that I share with my children. It is a strong parental love that I didn’t understand until I experienced it. And, now that I have, I couldn’t imagine living without it.

Sitting on my couch, snuggling my precious new baby, I knew without a doubt that I wanted to be able to help another set of parents experience that bond. One day there would be a set of parents hearing “I love you Mommy” or “I love you Daddy” for the first time, and I would be a small part of making that happen.

Being a Bucket Filler

My children have a book called, Have You Filled A Bucket Today? The premise is that each person has an invisible bucket (a representation of happiness/self-worth) that can be filled or emptied throughout the day. The book encourages children to do/speak/act in a kind manner to help “fill the bucket” of others in the world. It teaches them that by being kind to others, they are filling their own bucket too.

I am a bucket-filler by nature, and I knew that surrogacy would help to fulfill that side of myself. I always volunteered and did community service as a youth. As an adult, I’m the first to offer to help or pitch in for projects. I thoroughly enjoy being a help to others and feel intrinsically satisfied by a job well done.

The innate helpfulness of surrogacy drew me to the concept. Being able to do something that someone was unable to do for themselves made me feel like I could make a difference in the world, even if it was just their world. Surrogacy would allow me to give something to a family that they couldn’t otherwise have.

Initially, I was bothered by comments from others that implied the payment was what motivated me to become a surrogate. I felt like they were taking away from my true desire to simply make a difference in someone’s life. Little did they know that I wanted to be a surrogate before I ever knew about compensation. It took a while for me to get accustomed to such comments and feel secure in my own knowledge that I was “filling a bucket”, both mine and that of the intended parents.

While these are all things that led me to surrogacy, the list of reasons to be a surrogate doesn’t just stop there. I have met many surrogates over the years with a variety of motivations. Some have watched family members struggle to conceive and were inspired by their journey to parenthood. Many really just enjoy being pregnant and aren’t ready to end that phase in their life. While others are on a mission to support the LGBTQ+ community in becoming parents. No matter the reasons behind their decisions, most surrogates start with a heart of gold and a desire to help.